’A few weeks ago walking past the statue of ‘Phil Lynott’ I noticed an American couple. The wife (I presume) said, ‘Quick, George, take a photo of me beside Michael Jackson!’Sitting in the bog in a city-centre pub after a few scoops, the bloke in the next cubicle says, ‘Howya, how’s it goin’?’ to which I reply, ‘Ah, not too bad!’

Then he says, ‘Sorry!’ and I say again, ‘Not too bad!’ Then he says, ‘Listen I’ll ring you back, there’s some lunatic in the jacks next to me!’ I cringed — and waited till he left!